Losing My Religion (now that’s original)

Well, it’s been a while.  I’ve made it through finals and am taking a break for a few weeks before summer school starts.  I have been chomping at the bit, so to speak, to get back to writing for pleasure and not school; so here I am.   I’ve decided to begin with a bit of a synopsis of what has gone on in my life over the past year or so and then move on and start fresh with new stuff, still on the subject of religion, but I may branch out a bit too.  I have many more stories and experiences that I have not yet written about, but believe me; I will.

Socrates said, “An unexamined life is not worth living.”  I was sitting in my philosophy class the first time I read that quote and to this day, I remember exactly how it made me feel.  It was as if someone had thrown cold water in my face.  I couldn’t stop thinking about it.  In the back of my mind was this nagging thought, “Have I been living an unexamined life?”  Even as I asked myself that question, I knew the answer.   I had lived most of my life as a Fundamentalist Christian.  I was judgmental and intolerant.  I saw my world as black and white and people as saved or unsaved and lived my life accordingly.  It was easy.  There were rules to follow and I followed them, but after reading that quote, I made the decision to step ever so slightly back from my strongly held beliefs and examine them in a way I never had before.  It wasn’t as if that quote alone had opened my eyes, because I had already begun on a journey of discovery earlier that year.  That was part of the reason I had gone back to school and why I had taken that particular philosophy class.  Some have said I had a mid life crisis, but I would call it a mid life epiphany.  I had questions, lots of questions, but I had just been afraid to entertain them.  I believe the quote was just the match that lit the fuse, which would ignite all the questions I had been denying, and that needed answers.  Once I began to critically examine my religion, it became obvious that it was no less tenuous than any other. After much study and much questioning, many sleepless nights and prayerful days, I made the decision to leave the church and religion I had deeply believed in most of my life.  Once that decision was made, it was as if something was confirmed in me that I had always known deep down and I felt free.   Unfortunately, not everyone has shared my enthusiasm.  Evidently, most people are very happy to live an unexamined life and are quite uncomfortable if anyone decides to go against the flow.  I’ve been caught off guard a bit by some of the responses I have received from family, friends and church leaders, to my so called de-conversion.   Most of these responses have been quite negative and are evidenced here in some of my previous blogs.

All of these examples are really just a small sampling of what I have encountered over the past year or so.  I believe I could write a book, but I doubt many would want to read it.  Only those who have been Fundamentalist Christians and “left the fold,” can totally relate and understand.    Since leaving my religion, I have discovered an amazing world full of wonderful literature, art and people that I would have never let myself experience before.  I now hold myself responsible for the decisions that I make, whether good or bad, and I give myself credit for my accomplishments.  I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard Oz, when she walked out of her house into a dazzling, colorful new land.  I’m a much stronger person now.  I went from going grocery shopping out of town, avoiding phone calls and people I knew, to looking someone in the eye and telling him that I’m living the pagan life and loving it. To be honest, I don’t even consider myself a pagan really; it just seemed like the best response at the time.   I would have to say the past  two years have been the most painful and challenging years of my life, but they have also been the most joyful and exciting.  I’ve lost most of my old friends, but I’ve also made new ones and have found out who my true friends really are and they are priceless to me.  Is the unexamined life worth living?  I now believe a life unexamined isn’t living at all.  It seems to me, the better question would be, is the examined life worth living?  To that, I would answer, absolutely. 

 

 

 

 

Antilogy

Blackened coal

A sinner’s soul

Bought with a price

Bloody sacrifice

Hindered hearts

Religions darts

Fulfilled desire

Eternal fire

Remember Mohini

I just started reading a book entitled, Radical Acceptance, Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha;  am I thinking of becoming a Buddhist?  No, but since I am no longer bound by Christian fundamentalism, I’m like a kid in a candy store, when it comes to reading about different religions.  This particular book is very insightful and I’m really enjoying it.

 

Today, as I was reading, the Author was talking about how we don’t live our lives as freely as we could.  As an analogy, she sighted the example of a white tiger named Mohini, who had lived in the Washington, D.C. National Zoo for many years.  Most of Mohini’s life was spent in a twelve-by-twelve foot cage, with iron bars and a cement floor.  She spent her days pacing restlessly back and forth in her cramped quarters.  Eventually a natural habitat was built for her that consisted of several acres of land with vegetation, hills, trees and a pond.  With great excitement and anticipation, they released her into her new home. Sadly, the tiger immediately sought refuge in a corner of the compound where she lived the rest of her life.   She paced and paced in that corner until an area twelve by twelve feet was worn bare of grass.   The author, Tara Brach, went on to say, “Perhaps the biggest tragedy in our lives is that freedom is possible, yet we can pass our years trapped in the same old patterns.”

 I have to admit that really struck a chord with me.  I thought of how I had been just like that tiger, stuck in the same old patterns, blind to the wonders around me, judging others and myself from that twelve-by twelve foot world, only I was never really bound by those parameters, I just believed everyone when they told me that I was and that it was the best place for me to be.  When I discovered the lie and saw the great world around me, that I was free to explore and enjoy, I began, ever so slowly to step out and do just that.    It’s become easier and easier and I listen less and less to the fundamentalists that try to tell me to go back to my safe little corner.  Whenever I get overwhelmed by the voices of my past life that are so steeped in the dogma of religion, I will remember Mohini and remind myself what it is to live free and how I never want to find myself pacing a twelve by twelve foot pattern in one small corner of this great big awesome world ever again.  I feel sadness and compassion for those that are still trapped.  I hope that maybe I can say something that may light the fire of free thinking under them and when the time is right they too can live and breath free.  I can only hope.

And So I Wait….

One of the things that I was concerned about when I made the decision to leave the Christian religion was how it would affect my children.  I wasn’t sure what their reaction would be.  Would they be devastated, thinking I was now going to hell?  Would they try to “save” me?  Would it confuse them or hurt them in some way?  I would rather die than hurt my kids, but the reality of it is, by teaching them to be closed minded and intolerant to other beliefs and lifestyles except our own had hurt them.  I wasn’t sure how I should handle the whole thing.

I certainly didn’t want to sit them down one day and say, “all right now, I want you to know that I’m not a Christian any longer and you shouldn’t be either.  Everything I taught you before was a lie.”  If I did that, I would be falling into the same error as before; telling them what to think, not showing then how to think.    

As my de-conversion unfolded, the reaction of my children completely caught me off guard.  I never did sit them down and make some sort of an announcement.  They saw me not going to church, they heard conversations and when they asked questions, I would answer them honestly.  Because they had been so indoctrinated, I was sure their reactions would be completely different than they were.  Maybe my brainwashing skills aren’t what I thought they were.  Today I want to focus on just one incident, which has been the most recent one.  My youngest daughter has been having her own struggles with church and Christian friends and just what she had observed in them.  She had asked me some questions about atheism and agnosticism and I had directed her to some web sites and left her to her own research.  The other day, she came to me and asked me to read her most recent blog on Myspace and so I did.  I have posted it here just as she had written it.  Here it is:

Since I know a lot of my friends on this here Myspace
I have decided to inform you all mostly my Christian friends thatI am officially Agnostic.

If you think this means i’m atheist hahaha NO!

I’m Agnostic which isn’t a religion it’s a belief.  

I believe that we don’t know if there is a God and no one knows.

I think the Bible is a source of History, not what I look to for all my answers

I don’t believe Jesus Christ died for my sins. I don’t believe homosexuality is wrong.
I believe no one knows if God created the World slash Universe.

I believe evolution is a good educated theory.  

I don’t hate Christians

I see nothing wrong with Christianity I just don’t believe it. Sorry if you think I’m going to hell. If you have something to say to me, I am ready and willing to talk about it

It appears that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, but I have to admit the girl has more guts than her mother.  After reading her blog, I made the decision to mail a letter I had written to a believing friend; explaining my distance and telling her that I am no longer a Christian.  If my 16 year old can be open and honest, shouldn’t I be able to do the same?  It is just one letter to one person, but she is a strategic person—believe me, the word will be out soon.  Those of you who have come out of Christian fundamentalism know just what that means.  So I wait……

You Have Something Hanging from Your Nose

I walked into the orthodontist office with my youngest son and immediately caught the eye of a woman that attends the church I used to go to.  Actually our boys are the same age and attend the same school  also.  I desperately looked around for an empty seat as far from her as possible, but the only one available was …yes, that’s right…right next to her. Was this a “god thing?” J I took my seat and smiled.  I comforted myself with the idea that certainly she wouldn’t put me on the spot about church right there in front of my son and all those strangers…HA!

I had barely gotten comfortable before she turned to me and asked, “Have you been at church lately?” She is very aware that I haven’t been. 

I thought, “oh geez,” and then said, “No, not really,”  (not really? Pssh, what does that mean?)

“How long has it been?”  She inquired, looking concerned. 

“Oh, it’s been a while—several months I guess.” I answered as I opened the book I had brought to read. 

“Really, why?”  She persisted.

I paused and thought about it for a minute, “Because I don’t want to.”  I said smiling politely.

She looked stunned, but didn’t miss a beat, “Why not?  Do you have a problem with Unnamed Church or is it something else?”

Okay, now what do I do?  Suddenly, as if a miracle from heaven, it appeared—a small hair hanging from her nose.  I looked at her and at it and I said in a loud whisper, “you have something hanging from your nose.” 

“I do? “  She said mortified as she reached up to find out what it was. 

“Oh, it’s just a hair, here let me get it for you,” I said as I brushed it away and then immediately started talking about our boys and school, etc.  Soon after that I made my escape.  She had gotten so distracted she had forgotten what she had been talking about.  It was great!

So, for those of you who get cornered by a Christian who is asking inappropriate questions in an inappropriate place—it’s easily remedied by simply telling them they have something hanging from their nose.  I don’t think it will work in the long term, but hey, it will get you out those sticky situations.  Give it a go, you’ll see.

Journals from the Edge

I picked it up and turned it over in my hands—my old journal it was dated 2005.    I couldn’t help but open it and read a little of it. At first it was full of all kinds of “godliness.”  The very first page starts with, “I look to the hills where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth…”  I wrote a vow then to read the Word every day and write summaries and thoughts about it.  I almost put it into the trash bin, but decided to read a bit further just to see where I was then. In the midst of all the scripture and prayers and praises, a dark theme began to emerge. 

 I wrote things like this:  “I read your word and it doesn’t reach me, I want to love you, but I don’t feel you now,” and “Has this faith of mine been a charade all along?”   As I read these things, I began to remember the despair, the fear, the longing for God to show me himself, to reveal himself to me and I remembered the hours of praying and pleading with tears, for clarity.  The following entry brought it all back to me:  “God, why so hard?  Why don’t you seem to keep and sustain me?”  I find myself wondering if I‘m even yours and that to me is the ultimate cruelty; wanting to be yours, desiring communion with you and yet it seems to be denied me.  Even after all these years I look for the escape you promise to provide me and it isn’t there.  Love eludes me, sin embraces me like a dark covering; weighing me down.  I long to be free, but freedom doesn’t come—only bondage.” 

There are passages where I am literally begging and pleading with God to put me on the right path and then on the last page I wrote the passage from Psalm that begins with, “Have mercy on me oh, God according to your unfailing love…”and then after that I scrawled, “GOD WHERE ARE YOU?”  The journal abruptly ends.  It was shortly after that that I began to earnestly test my faith in the same way I had tested other faiths and…well…you know how that goes.  It wasn’t long before I made the decision to deconvert.  I was relieved to discover that my struggles were caused by trying to be someone I was not and trying to believe in something that didn’t make sense…the myth of Christianity.  I know the journey is not nearly over.  In fact, I hope my journey of discovery never ends, but after reading the journal, I see how much more emotionally stable I am now and how much more at peace I am.  It all makes complete sense– I am the one responsible for living my life for good or ill.  Sometimes things go badly and sometimes things go great.  It’s the same for everyone—Christian or not. 

 After reading that journal, I went I found the one I wrote after it.  The first entry says this:  “These are the rantings of a crazy woman.  Don’t take them too seriously.”  And then I wrote, “What’s the deal with Barbara? I don’t even know if she’s a Christian anymore.”  No, I will not be sharing any more entries from that one here.  You’ll have to purchase it from a bookstore someday.  Lord willing pssshh!  

In a Pit or an Apostate–Pick Your Poison

“Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself.” Galations 6:1-3 

I wasn’t really shocked at the way this particular email had begun…it was par for the course.  All the emails I had received from other “caring sisters” had begun in a similar fashion—the scripture references were just different.  It was what followed that surprised me.

She started out by saying that as she was holding her new granddaughter, “god had put me on her heart.”  That’s code for, the sisters and I were all gossiping about you the other day because we don’t have lives and I was picked to be the next one to try and find out what in the hell is going on with you. She said she was approaching me with “fear and trembling,” because she was afraid her own pride would get in the way, etc.  She said that she was wondering what was going on with me and then proceeded to present two options; either I had fallen into a deep pit that only God could pull me out of or “God forbid,” I had become an apostate.  I sat there and could not believe my eyes.  It’s true, by Christian standards I am an apostate, but she didn’t know that.  All she knew was that I hadn’t been going to her church. I was taken aback.  She went on to inquire as to why I hadn’t returned her calls…geez, I wonder?  She reminded me that we were friends (which we really weren’t and hadn’t been for a while)  She reminded me that I had entrusted her with caring for my children on occasion and why wouldn’t I share my burdens with her now?  The fact that I had been the subject of gossip between her and the other women at church aside, why would I share my “burden” with her?   If I honestly shared with her the decisions that I had come to, it would only confirm her fears and she would act accordingly. And those of us who have “left the faith,” knows what that means.  What could I say to her–“Yes, you are right.  I am an apostate…I don’t embrace fundamentalist Christianity anymore, let’s drink to my new found freedom, eh?”  I don’t think so

.

She told me I needed to get back into church and that she didn’t care where I went as long as it was a church that believed blah, blah blah…you must comply with the collective…blah, blah blah.  I consulted a fellow de-convert, who thinks like me to help with a response and she did and also gave me much comedic relief, which I sorely needed.  I knew I had two choices; ignore the email completely or respond honestly with strong boundaries in place.  By the way, personal boundaries, I’ve discovered, are a foreign concept to Fundamentalist Christians.  I opted for a third,(isn’t that just like me) I wrote back and just quickly said to “fear not– I need some time to think about all you have said, but be patient with me.”  In other words, “I’m pissed as hell and you don’t want to know what my response would be right now.” That garnered a quick note from her saying that of course she would be patient with me because, well, God had been so patient with her.  Huh?

Several weeks passed, and I still had not composed a response to her—hey, a thousand years is a day to god alright?   She wrote again.  It was actually humorous, You would have thought the first email had never taken place, “Hey Barbsie “(gaaa) she wrote,  “just checkin’ in to see how you are.  How’s school going anyway?”  Let me just say here that she had never given a hang about me going back to school, and was very negative about it actually. She went on in a very casual fashion and asked if we could get together for coffee or lunch sometime.  I thought, “yes, that’s a grand idea, it’s definitely on my list of things to do, right after poking out my eyes…”I wrote back quickly this time,  telling her I was busy and in reference to her other email, I told her I was a bit surprised that she considered us such close friend, I told her why and that I would share my burdens with those I felt I could trust and that she had enough to worry about without having to worry about me and that she should do just that. I think I made it sound a little nicer, but maybe not.

She responded that she was taken aback at my response that she was just wanted to stay in touch (I guess the holy spirit had removed all memory of that first email) She told me she still had a book of mine that I had loaned her by D.A. Carson (shiver) and that she was only wanting to get together for coffee to return it and could she just bring it by sometime?  (Oh, god, please don’t drop by my house)  I have a feeling that she will drop by eventually, with other “sisters” in tow.  I can only hope that I will have had enough of a good Syrah to make it worth my while.   I will respond to that email in due time or should I say god’s time…..

Next up:  Emails full of love part two.  

Hey Ho, Hey Ho, the Pagan’s Life for Me

A couple of months ago, I was having lunch with a friend of mine and I was sharing with her how some of my other friends and acquaintances had been responding to the fact that I was no longer attending church.  Now, she’s a believer and knows I’m not attending church and she completely understands why, but she isn’t aware that I’m no longer a Christian.   She said it was hard for her to believe that people would be so intrusive and that maybe I was just a tad paranoid.  I laughed and said, “Maybe I am.”  It bothered me a little that she thought that, but it did sound a little unbelievable and I appreciated her honesty.  Just about that time, a familiar face walked up to our table.  “Oh god,” I thought. The uninvited visitor was a guy who attends the church I had attended before I gave up the faith. He is involved in the leadership there.  We knew each other fairly well, but we weren’t buddies or anything.

“Hey how have you been?  Are you still attending unnamed church?”  Let me just mention here that he was fully aware that I was no longer going to there.

I looked up at him and smiled.  “I’m great John, and no, I’m not.”  I wanted to say, and you know it, but I refrained.

He went on to inquire about how long it had been and I told him a few months (he knew that too).

When he had walked up, it had to have been obvious that my friend and I were having a private conversation, but that didn’t seem to matter to him.  I turned back to my friend to continue talking.

“So where are you attending now?” (Sheesh, are you still here?)

I stopped, and turned to look at him.  I tried to appear surprised that he was still standing there.  “Actually nowhere at the moment,” I answered and then I just stared at him-waiting for what I knew would be the next question. 

“Do you mind if I ask you if you are looking for a church?”

I was feeling a bit braver now and responded with,  “Actually, I do mind.”

He must have assumed what my answer would have been because, he didn’t even miss a beat.  It was almost as if he hadn’t heard what I said, and smiling, he responded with, “Oh, living the life of a pagan, eh?”   

It was all too easy, “living it and loving it,” I answered. 

He seemed a bit taken aback at first, but knowing my dry sense of humor and thinking I was kidding I guess, his smile returned and he said, “Well, thankfully under grace, we can all do that for a time.”

I was done.  I told him to say hi to his wife for me and I turned again to my friend, whose mouth was agape by this time.  I smirked at her and he tottered off. 

I let a sigh of relief escape my lips and I just looked at her.  She apologized for doubting me earlier and could not believe that he had been so rude to interrupt us and grill me like that.  Especially sense it was obvious I was not interested in having a discussion with him.  I felt exonerated.  She was pissed.  His living under grace “for a time,” comment had not escaped her and she did not like it at all.  I was encouraged by that.

Even though my friend is unaware at this point of my de-conversion, the way she has seen Christians treat me these days, has had a big impact on her.  From my sister to other friends, she has seen the toll their treatment it has taken on me.  She made the comment the other day, “Boy Christians sure do shoot their wounded, don’t they?” I remember thinking, yes, yes they do.  I think when I tell her about my unbelief, the last thing she will be is shocked.

Next up:  emails full of love                

I Hereby Resolve…Sort of…

On another blog site that I visit from time to time, www.exchristian.net, I read a post from Gabe. He was a seminary student (third year I think),he could no longer believe in Christianity and de-converted.  He was very upfront with his seminary professors and pastors with his rejection of Christianity.  He posted some of his email communications with them and it was a fascinating read.  I was inspired by how candid he was.  He did wait until he was out of the state before he emailed them, but still, he was honest with them.  It gave me new resolve to be more up front, which has always been my desire.  He reminded me of how honesty is the best policy, but the posting also reminded me of how awful it is to be upfront about de-converting.  It reminded me of how there is nothing you can say that will allow for relationships to continue as they were or even at all and it reminded me of how angry it makes Christians when you don’t buy in anymore.  So the dilemma continues if it really is a dilemma at all.  I guess it’s just a matter of deciding whether you want to end relationships or not, because they will end, of course not until  you’ve been kicked in the teeth by believers attempting to bring you back to god and to the fold, but I digress… 

For the most part, I don’t really miss the friends I had from church.  The only reason we even hung out at all was because of our religious beliefs and now that those are gone, there isn’t really anything there.  They don’t know that though.  All they know is I don’t return their calls and I avoid them as much as possible.  I know this hurts them, but I also know the truth would hurt them more.  Am I compassionate or a chicken?  I’m not sure, maybe a little of both.

I have one friend that continues to call me and tell me she’s thinking about me and asks if we can get together.  Every time I hear a message from her I think I should just call her back and say D, this is how it is and then just tell her the truth, we are friends after all, but every time I think it through, I know what would happen. The news would devastate her.  I can’t tell her now.  I don’t know if I ever can.  How could I do that?  I know I can’t get together with her.  All she will want to talk about is why I don’t go to church anymore and eventually she would ask me where I am at spiritually…those of you who have been there know the drill.  If I tell her I don’t believe anymore, she would look at me as an apostate in the clutches of hell.  Who wants to hang around with a friend who thinks that?  We’ve been friends for over 20 years, but our friendship is over.  It just is.  It doesn’t hurt so much anymore.  It just makes me pissed—pissed at religion and what it does.

 Part of me wants to send out an email and just let everyone know, get it all out, let them do their shtick and move on.  As I have said before, it’s a fantasy of mine, but once I do that, there is no going back and I have a pretty good idea of what the fall out will be. I saw it in the emails Gabe posted and I have also experienced it in a small way.   For example: this was the first Christmas I spent without my sister and her family.  Why? Because she knows I’m not a believer anymore…she made other excuses, but she’s not being honest.  We used to talk a few times a week, get together when we could and always, ALWAYS spent Thanksgiving and Christmas together…I haven’t heard from her since before Thanksgiving and that call was just to pretty much rake me over the coals until I hung up in tears and all this coincided with me having to tell her of my non-belief…a coincidence?  I don’t think so.  It’s obvious why she’s avoiding me and she’s my sister!  Family is supposed to love you no matter what.  It gives me pause to think how others who don’t really love me and aren’t family will react towards me…yikes!

In spite of all that, being who I am, I’m seriously considering making a New Year’s resolution to just come out with the truth…I’ll keep you posted. 

Fear or Self Preservation?

I’m noticing a trend.  Those of us who have or are in the process of de-conversion have many things in common.  We are thinkers, we question even when it causes a stir, (I believe we actually thrive on the stir) we are strong, once we discover something we have a hard time keeping it to ourselves and it seems many of us are teachers; if not by vocation, definitely by nature.  While reading the blogs…oh, that’s another thing, we write like demons—no pun intended.  Anyway, while reading the de-conversion blogs, I’ve discovered another trend.  As strong as we are, we almost become disabled at the thought of coming out with our de-conversion.  I know that there are those who have done it and have gotten through it, but it still seems to be a scary thing for most of us.  Those that have come out, for the most part, have done it by accident or because they were backed into a corner that they didn’t want to lie themselves out of; not because they just had to let the world know of their new life.  At first I thought it could be an irrational fear, you know, the worst case scenario kind of fear, but I have discovered, as of late that that isn’t it at all.  It’s a matter of self preservation.   I believe this fear is based on the reality of what will happen when we come out with our beliefs or non-beliefs.

If you read my other posts, you will see that I have not come out to anyone outside of my family.  I was actually starting to think that my old friends, even though they called occasionally inquiring about how I was doing, had actually gotten used to the idea that I wasn’t going to church anymore.  Evidently, I was wrong. Either there was a recent sermon at church that implored believers to confront their friends “in sin” or I have reached my time limit of “taking a break from church,” because the email and phone call campaign has begun.  There have been a couple of doozies and I will blog about each one separately as to keep this post as brief as possible. 

As I have mentioned before, I find myself desiring to come clean completely.  I want to write back and call back and say, “Gosh, thanks for your concern, but you need not worry yourself with me.  I am doing great.  I need to let you know, though, that I no longer embrace Christianity.  After much study and yes, even prayer, I have concluded that it is no more valid than any other religion and I can no longer be a part of it.”  That is my fantasy as of late, but I know it will not be fulfilled any time soon.  I know that my de-conversion will become known only as I am put in positions that I can’t do anything but state the truth.  Judging by the way I have been treated just because I am not going to church, my skin is going to have to get a bit thicker before that happens and I am working on that.  It has helped practicing on my sister.  Although our relationship is tenuous at best right now.  (She avoids me like the plague)  That is a relief sometimes and at other times a tremendous heartbreak, but in the end I think we can find some middle ground.  I’m optimistic and I have to say that in spite of the difficulties, it feels amazing to be out of the Fundamentalist Christian box—truly.  I look at life so differently and I am making new friends that are my friends just because they like me and nothing else and I am friends with them for the same reason—what a concept.