One of the reasons I am glad to be free of Christianity

August 23, 2009 at 10:31 pm (Deconversion)

Below is a note I posted on my Facebook wall.  I thought I would share it here for two reasons.  I thought it might be of interest to you and now that school has begun in earnest, (17.5 units worth) I am double dipping :-) .  I hope you enjoy it.

This quote by C.S. Lewis was posted on a friend’s status this morning:
“We must not suppose that if we succeeded in making everyone nice we should have saved their souls. A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world.” 

When I read that quote, I thought, wow, really? And then it made me sad, because I remembered what it felt like to always be under pressure to share the gospel and to bring people to Christ and no matter what they were or what they had done, it didn’t matter because unless they were a Christian, they were lost–less in some way–to be pitied. I feel sad for those that still live under that  burden.  By believing that they are responsible to share Christ and his salvation with everyone and that there will be some reward and some better life after this one, they are missing out on some amazing relationships.

I’m so happy that I don’t have to live under the assumption that I have any souls to save. I just love being around and getting to know people–who ever they are and how ever they think and I NEVER think of them as saved or unsaved–less or lost. I think of them as fellow humans on this planet trying to live life and I’ve never lived it more fully than I do now and you know what? Give me a world of nice heretics any day.

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Letting Go

August 10, 2009 at 12:29 am (Deconversion)

That is the caption at the top of the page in one of my journals–Leting go.  It’s dated November 18, 2006–almost 3 years ago.  I’ve posted excerpts here before from another journal. It was the one I wrote in when I was still very much a Christian, but the one I’m referring to today, starts out with, “These are the rantings of a crazy person…some real, some fantasy – don’t take them too seriously” written on the first page.  Then, at the bottom of the page, it says this, “Have you read Barbara’s book of rantings?  Why, I don’t even think she is a Christian.  How can she be?”  So, you get the idea of where I was during that time –pretty much a mess.  In this journal, I am clinging desperately to the concept of god and even the hope in Christianity, but quickly there is a change that takes place.  Reading the first few pages was extremely painful, because they are the writings of an incredibly tormented woman.  It’s hard to believe that that woman was me, but she was.  Anyway, after much obvious struggle, a few pages in, I wrote “Letting Go.”  I’m going to write it exactly as it was posted in my journal that day. Here it is:  

The wind blows across my face,  gently, like a lover caressing my cheek. 

Where are you?  You aren’t here.  Were you ever?

Did I send you away like an imaginary friend that has been outgrown?

I’m not sure, but you are gone or the reality that you never existed has finally been realized.

I will miss you, but am at peace, finally at peace with the knowledge that I don’t know everything–no one does.

Looking back now, I believe that November 18, 2006 was a huge turning point in my life.  I left behind the dogmatic belief in something ridiculous and destructive and began to move on to a new life.  A live full of adventure, excitement, joy and freedom.  I have said so many times that I am so much better off mentally and emotionally since leaving Christianity, but after reading my journal from that time, I realize just how much better I truly am now.  For those who are struggling on your journey, perhaps even just beginning it, believe me when I say, it does get better, be true to yourself.  You will get stronger and you will look back in time and say, it was worth the fight.

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Dear God…

July 26, 2009 at 1:45 am (Deconversion)

I posted the video of this song on my Facebook…got a bit of a response. I’ve some comments to make in regard to that, but for now, here are the lyrics.  The Song was Written by XTC.

Dear God 

Dear god,

Hope you got the letter,

And I pray you can make it better down here.

I don’t mean a big reduction in the price of beer,

But all the people that you made in your image,

See them starving on their feet,

cause they don’t get enough to eat

 

From god,

I cant believe in you.

 

Dear god,

Sorry to disturb you,

But I feel that I should be heard loud and clear.

We all need a big reduction in amount of tears,

And all the people that you made in your image,

See them fighting in the street,

cause they cant make opinions meet,

About god,

I cant believe in you.

 

Did you make disease, and the diamond blue?

Did you make mankind after we made you?

And the devil too!

 

Dear god,

Don’t know if you noticed,

But your name is on a lot of quotes in this book.

Us crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look,

And all the people that you made in your image,

Still believing that junk is true.

Well I know it aint and so do you,

Dear god,

I can’t believe in,

I don’t believe in,

 

I wont believe in heaven and hell.

No saints, no sinners,

No devil as well.

No pearly gates, no thorny crown.

You’re always letting us humans down.

The wars you bring, the babes you drown.

Those lost at sea and never found,

And its the same the whole world round.

The hurt I see helps to compound,

That the father, son and holy ghost,

Is just somebody’s unholy hoax,

And if you’re up there you’ll perceive,

That my hearts here upon my sleeve.

If there’s one thing I don’t believe in…

 

Its you,

Dear god.

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I Read it on Facebook

June 11, 2009 at 1:07 am (Agnosticism, Deconversion, Questioning Faith)

 

“Hello, fellow ex-Christian!”  I stared at the words written on my Facebook wall.  My first thought was, “Holy shit!” and my second thought was “Holy shit!”  I’m just kidding.  My second thought was, “my mother has just become my friend on Facebook and she is going to read this comment,“ which could actually be loosely interpreted as, “Holy shit!” Somehow, she didn’t and evidently neither did anybody else. I breathed a sigh of relief.  The comment had come from a friend, Bill, that is an ex-Christian/pastor. I call him my anti-pastor. I had read some of his blogs and so we had become friends on Facebook.  He didn’t purposely out me and was apologetic.  It did get me thinking though.  I mean, I did want to stop living a lie (see I Hereby Resolve…Sort of…) and in some way, I was hoping some of my old Christian friends had seen it, but no such luck, although, I did start to consider that Facebook might be a good way to “out” myself, but when it came down to it, I just couldn’t pull the trigger.  However, as fate and my lack of Facebook savvy would have it, it finally happened.  If you aren’t familiar with Facebook, there are many groups you can join.  One day I was checking out these groups and I happened upon two that interested me: Non-disillusioned Non-believers and Free Thinkers.  I joined both.  What harm could there be in that?  I didn’t know that the news I had joined these groups would be proudly announced on my profile page. This time, the information would not be overlooked. 

The next time I logged on to Facebook, I saw the announcement and right below it was the first of many comments from an old Christian friend:  “And what does this mean for you Barbara?”  I sat for a moment…it’s now or never I thought, and so I commented back.  “It means that I no longer embrace fundamentalist Christianity,” which of course led to the next obvious question: Do I embrace any type of Christianity, to which I answered, “no.”  There, it was done and of course not all my Christian friends saw the interchange, which became long and detailed, but enough of them did and as those who have been in the Christian community know, news like that travels like wildfire. I believe that the leadership position I had held, while a Christian, fanned those flames–not in a gossipy way, more like a love-filled, spiritually concern for my poor pitifully lost soul, which was in danger of burning in hell, but by the grace of God, theirs isn’t,  kind of way–of course.    One of my Christian friends, that has actually remained my friend, thought I was thinking I was more important to these women than I truly was, until she received an email invitation to gather and pray for their “wayward sister” who had evidently “walked away from the Lord.”  At first I thought it was funny until I saw how many women the email had been sent to, many woman that I didn’t even know, and the email encouraged them to forward to others as they deemed necessary.  That did piss me off a little.  I’m over it now.  There is so much more I could tell you:  what all the responses have been, how I responded, how my parents have dealt with this revelation, (excuse the pun) and how things are now, etc. I will write about that in the coming weeks, but for now, I will say this: It feels as good as I thought it would to come out with my de-conversion. It has also been more heart wrenching, at times, than I thought it would be, but all in all, I am glad to be out with it. It gets easier and easier every day.  As a matter of fact, just last month I sent a message to an old Christian friend inviting her to take a PE class with me at the college for the summer. I closed by saying, “that is if you don’t mind hanging out with a pagan.”  She responded by saying she would love to and then said, “Is hanging out with a pagan a bad thing? LOL.”  I admit that she is not the norm, but just let me confidently say this:  There is no better life than one that is lived openly and honestly. Trust me on this one.

Next up:  “A Christian Burial” (subject to change at the writer’s whim)

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Hello, My Name is Barbara and I’m an Apostate

June 3, 2009 at 12:14 am (Deconversion)

Apostate (Dictionary.com): One who has forsaken the faith, principles, or party, to which he before adhered; esp., one who has forsaken his religion for another; a pervert; a renegade.
When I was a believer, I heard the word apostate bandied about quite a bit. I heard it in many sermons and on the lips of Christians and always in hushed tones. Even as a young child, I knew that an apostate was the opposite of what is good. You never wanted to be one. The dictionary doesn’t really give the complete definition, at least not the fundamentalist Christian version. In Christian terms being an apostate basically means that you have lived your life as a Christian, made all the professions of the faith, enjoyed all the benefits of the Christian community, and had all the earmarks of a true believer, but and this is a big one, you were never really a believer and by all intents and purposes, you are going to hell. You are dead meat. There really is no hope for you-sorry to say. You get the picture; it has a negative connotation, but a pervert? I need to think about that for a moment.

Early on in my de-conversion, a friend wrote me an email. Let’s just say she got “e-nerve.” In the email she considered the possibility that I was an apostate. (See blog entitled “In a Pit or an Apostate, Pick your Poison,”) I have to admit that the use of the word in reference to me, did put a bit of a chill down my spine. Sometimes it’s hard to escape the ideas that were beaten into your psyche as a child. I’ve come a long way since then and I now proudly say that I am an apostate. I have left my Christian faith behind and I’ve never felt more emotionally healthy or happy. I have to admit that the use of the word pervert is a bit off putting. Why pervert? I was thinking though that maybe just for comedic relief we should stop calling ourselves de-converts and use pervert instead. Think of it: an old Christian friend approaches you and asks where you are going to church, you say, “no where.” When they ask the next predictable question, “why not?” You simply smile and say, “Why, because I’m now a pervert.” I’m thinking that wouldn’t go so well, but to see the look on the other person’s face might make it worthwhile. In fact, I’m sure that it would. I’m digressing now, and fantasizing a bit, but seriously seeing the word apostate associated with pervert, well, it’s just flat out hilarious, but maybe that’s just me—pervert that I am.

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I’m Baaaaack!

June 2, 2009 at 10:42 pm (Deconversion, Questioning Faith)

Good morning one and all, probably most likely just the one.  Anyway, I am now done with a grueling semester and a rough year all around, and am looking forward to writing.  As I look back on my blogs, I find myself thinking, “Wow! Things have really changed.”  When I read, “Better now, part 1,”I get tears in my eyes thinking about how I felt then. It’s almost as if it was a different person—a weak and frightened person.   I remember telling someone that I just wanted to get through all this and be on the other side and be able to say, “Now that was a wild ride!”  I believe that I can now say that. Of course, knowing me there will be many more wild rides ahead.  That’s just the way I roll. 

Although, I am planning on beginning a new blog, on a completely different subject, (which I believe is a good sign that I am moving on) my goal has always been to help those who are where I once was.  I’m all about paying if forward.  There were those who helped me and I want to do the same.  With that said, I will spend the next few weeks recounting what has happened in my life this past year.  For a quick recap:

  • Filed for divorce, which will be final in August 
  • Reconnected with a friend from my old fundie church and she was also in the process of deconverting.  An amazing story by the way.
  • Came out of the “deconversion closet,” completely.  Yes, that’s right—what a tale.
  • Have learned to be stronger than I ever thought I could be.
  • Was published!  In a real literary magazine and I don’t even fancy myself a poet. :-)

That’s it for now.  My first blog will be entitled, “Hello, my name is Barbara and I’m an Apostate,” but as any writer knows, that is subject to change.  Stay tuned!

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The Man I Loved

December 23, 2008 at 10:50 pm (Deconversion)

 

Savior, Father, friend

To be there for all time

All knowing and all seeing

He said vengeance would be mine

There each time I stumbled

There each time I fell

I believed the book that said

He’d send me straight to hell

Don’t think, don’t ask don’t ever

Step outside the box

I bear the sin of Eve I must

Submit at every cost

I thought he was the only way

To enter heaven’s gate

I didn’t see that all the lies

Were filling me with hate.

One day I turned and walked a way

From the lover I had known

Father, Son and Holy Ghost

And now I’m finally grown

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In Memory of Sue

December 12, 2008 at 10:38 pm (Life and death)

My sister in law, Sue, died of breast cancer two days ago.  I wrote a poem about it, but before I post it, I want to say something about her.  She was stronger and braver than any other woman I have personally known.  She loved her husband with a vengeance and  the rest of her family too.  She loved to take pictures and would include them in letters she would send to the people she cared about and I was one of the lucky recipients of those letters many times.  She had amazing red hair and a killer smile and was typically the last one off the dance floor. She loved to garden–to plant things and help them grow and even that she shared with others.  There are beautiful purple Crocus flowers that bloom in my yard every year because I had once told her that I wished I could grow saffron in my backyard because it was so expensive. I didn’t know saffron came from Crocus flowers…I do now. (Thanks Sue) When you talked with her, she would listen and she would remember the things that you said. She was a believer, not in any religion, but in life.  She lived it up until she simply couldn’t live it anymore and then went to sleep forever and I know that I speak for many people when I say that she will be greatly missed.   As I reflected on her life and death, and how I felt about it, this poem came to me:

One Last Embrace 

 

Grieving, I sleep and fall into a dream.

She is there in her garden.

Not sick and weak and dying but

Healthy and strong and living.

Her red hair golden in the sun–

Peaceful and happy.

She turns to me and asks,

“What do you need?”

I say, “I need to know why—why this, why now, why you?”

Smiling she says,  “There’s no answer.

It simply is what it is, but what do you need?”

“I need to know you are okay” I say,  “and not suffering—at rest.”

”Deep down, you know I am,” she answers and asks again,

“What is it that you really need?”

Suddenly, tears come and with them, the answer:

 

“I need one last conversation, one last laugh, one last embrace.”

 

Standing and putting her hands on my shoulders, she lovingly says,

“We’ve already had those. We just didn’t realize it at the time and it’s okay.”

Waking, I knew that it was, or at least it would be…in time

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Tatters

October 16, 2008 at 4:34 am (Deconversion)

Tatters

 

The sunrise greets the end to another sleepless night 

Closing my eyes, thoughts and memories spin in my head 

Like relentless tormentors, reminding me of the loss 

And all that is left of them are tatters 

Tatters of what once was:

 

Our room with the golden walls

The bed that we bought together

Your voice whispering good night 

The mirror where we brushed our teeth

And the notes we put there expressing our love

Trinity and the swimming hole and making love on the beach

The joy after being told we had a healthy baby girl

 

The way I trusted you completely

 

Saturday morning pancakes

And how the kids loved the way you made them

The old red leash for the dog

And our early morning walks

The hot tub where we drank and laughed deep into the night

Thanksgiving and Christmas filled with loving family and friends

Dinners in the Napa Valley and vacations on Kauai

 

 The way I felt you slipping away

 

The annual Christmas party and shopping with you for my dress

The black Betsy Johnson gown I wore

When I found out about the lie

The elegant marble floor where I knelt sick from the truth

Driving home in the pouring rain

The way the house looked as we pulled into the drive

The diamond ring I look off my finger

 

The way it felt to say good bye.

 

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Losing My Religion (now that’s original)

May 29, 2008 at 10:20 pm (Agnosticism, Atheism, Christianity, Deconversion, Questioning Faith)

Well, it’s been a while.  I’ve made it through finals and am taking a break for a few weeks before summer school starts.  I have been chomping at the bit, so to speak, to get back to writing for pleasure and not school; so here I am.   I’ve decided to begin with a bit of a synopsis of what has gone on in my life over the past year or so and then move on and start fresh with new stuff, still on the subject of religion, but I may branch out a bit too.  I have many more stories and experiences that I have not yet written about, but believe me; I will.

Socrates said, “An unexamined life is not worth living.”  I was sitting in my philosophy class the first time I read that quote and to this day, I remember exactly how it made me feel.  It was as if someone had thrown cold water in my face.  I couldn’t stop thinking about it.  In the back of my mind was this nagging thought, “Have I been living an unexamined life?”  Even as I asked myself that question, I knew the answer.   I had lived most of my life as a Fundamentalist Christian.  I was judgmental and intolerant.  I saw my world as black and white and people as saved or unsaved and lived my life accordingly.  It was easy.  There were rules to follow and I followed them, but after reading that quote, I made the decision to step ever so slightly back from my strongly held beliefs and examine them in a way I never had before.  It wasn’t as if that quote alone had opened my eyes, because I had already begun on a journey of discovery earlier that year.  That was part of the reason I had gone back to school and why I had taken that particular philosophy class.  Some have said I had a mid life crisis, but I would call it a mid life epiphany.  I had questions, lots of questions, but I had just been afraid to entertain them.  I believe the quote was just the match that lit the fuse, which would ignite all the questions I had been denying, and that needed answers.  Once I began to critically examine my religion, it became obvious that it was no less tenuous than any other. After much study and much questioning, many sleepless nights and prayerful days, I made the decision to leave the church and religion I had deeply believed in most of my life.  Once that decision was made, it was as if something was confirmed in me that I had always known deep down and I felt free.   Unfortunately, not everyone has shared my enthusiasm.  Evidently, most people are very happy to live an unexamined life and are quite uncomfortable if anyone decides to go against the flow.  I’ve been caught off guard a bit by some of the responses I have received from family, friends and church leaders, to my so called de-conversion.   Most of these responses have been quite negative and are evidenced here in some of my previous blogs.

All of these examples are really just a small sampling of what I have encountered over the past year or so.  I believe I could write a book, but I doubt many would want to read it.  Only those who have been Fundamentalist Christians and “left the fold,” can totally relate and understand.    Since leaving my religion, I have discovered an amazing world full of wonderful literature, art and people that I would have never let myself experience before.  I now hold myself responsible for the decisions that I make, whether good or bad, and I give myself credit for my accomplishments.  I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard Oz, when she walked out of her house into a dazzling, colorful new land.  I’m a much stronger person now.  I went from going grocery shopping out of town, avoiding phone calls and people I knew, to looking someone in the eye and telling him that I’m living the pagan life and loving it. To be honest, I don’t even consider myself a pagan really; it just seemed like the best response at the time.   I would have to say the past  two years have been the most painful and challenging years of my life, but they have also been the most joyful and exciting.  I’ve lost most of my old friends, but I’ve also made new ones and have found out who my true friends really are and they are priceless to me.  Is the unexamined life worth living?  I now believe a life unexamined isn’t living at all.  It seems to me, the better question would be, is the examined life worth living?  To that, I would answer, absolutely. 

 

 

 

 

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