I Read it on Facebook

June 11, 2009 at 1:07 am (Agnosticism, Deconversion, Questioning Faith)

 

“Hello, fellow ex-Christian!”  I stared at the words written on my Facebook wall.  My first thought was, “Holy shit!” and my second thought was “Holy shit!”  I’m just kidding.  My second thought was, “my mother has just become my friend on Facebook and she is going to read this comment,“ which could actually be loosely interpreted as, “Holy shit!” Somehow, she didn’t and evidently neither did anybody else. I breathed a sigh of relief.  The comment had come from a friend, Bill, that is an ex-Christian/pastor. I call him my anti-pastor. I had read some of his blogs and so we had become friends on Facebook.  He didn’t purposely out me and was apologetic.  It did get me thinking though.  I mean, I did want to stop living a lie (see I Hereby Resolve…Sort of…) and in some way, I was hoping some of my old Christian friends had seen it, but no such luck, although, I did start to consider that Facebook might be a good way to “out” myself, but when it came down to it, I just couldn’t pull the trigger.  However, as fate and my lack of Facebook savvy would have it, it finally happened.  If you aren’t familiar with Facebook, there are many groups you can join.  One day I was checking out these groups and I happened upon two that interested me: Non-disillusioned Non-believers and Free Thinkers.  I joined both.  What harm could there be in that?  I didn’t know that the news I had joined these groups would be proudly announced on my profile page. This time, the information would not be overlooked. 

The next time I logged on to Facebook, I saw the announcement and right below it was the first of many comments from an old Christian friend:  “And what does this mean for you Barbara?”  I sat for a moment…it’s now or never I thought, and so I commented back.  “It means that I no longer embrace fundamentalist Christianity,” which of course led to the next obvious question: Do I embrace any type of Christianity, to which I answered, “no.”  There, it was done and of course not all my Christian friends saw the interchange, which became long and detailed, but enough of them did and as those who have been in the Christian community know, news like that travels like wildfire. I believe that the leadership position I had held, while a Christian, fanned those flames–not in a gossipy way, more like a love-filled, spiritually concern for my poor pitifully lost soul, which was in danger of burning in hell, but by the grace of God, theirs isn’t,  kind of way–of course.    One of my Christian friends, that has actually remained my friend, thought I was thinking I was more important to these women than I truly was, until she received an email invitation to gather and pray for their “wayward sister” who had evidently “walked away from the Lord.”  At first I thought it was funny until I saw how many women the email had been sent to, many woman that I didn’t even know, and the email encouraged them to forward to others as they deemed necessary.  That did piss me off a little.  I’m over it now.  There is so much more I could tell you:  what all the responses have been, how I responded, how my parents have dealt with this revelation, (excuse the pun) and how things are now, etc. I will write about that in the coming weeks, but for now, I will say this: It feels as good as I thought it would to come out with my de-conversion. It has also been more heart wrenching, at times, than I thought it would be, but all in all, I am glad to be out with it. It gets easier and easier every day.  As a matter of fact, just last month I sent a message to an old Christian friend inviting her to take a PE class with me at the college for the summer. I closed by saying, “that is if you don’t mind hanging out with a pagan.”  She responded by saying she would love to and then said, “Is hanging out with a pagan a bad thing? LOL.”  I admit that she is not the norm, but just let me confidently say this:  There is no better life than one that is lived openly and honestly. Trust me on this one.

Next up:  “A Christian Burial” (subject to change at the writer’s whim)

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Hello, My Name is Barbara and I’m an Apostate

June 3, 2009 at 12:14 am (Deconversion)

Apostate (Dictionary.com): One who has forsaken the faith, principles, or party, to which he before adhered; esp., one who has forsaken his religion for another; a pervert; a renegade.
When I was a believer, I heard the word apostate bandied about quite a bit. I heard it in many sermons and on the lips of Christians and always in hushed tones. Even as a young child, I knew that an apostate was the opposite of what is good. You never wanted to be one. The dictionary doesn’t really give the complete definition, at least not the fundamentalist Christian version. In Christian terms being an apostate basically means that you have lived your life as a Christian, made all the professions of the faith, enjoyed all the benefits of the Christian community, and had all the earmarks of a true believer, but and this is a big one, you were never really a believer and by all intents and purposes, you are going to hell. You are dead meat. There really is no hope for you-sorry to say. You get the picture; it has a negative connotation, but a pervert? I need to think about that for a moment.

Early on in my de-conversion, a friend wrote me an email. Let’s just say she got “e-nerve.” In the email she considered the possibility that I was an apostate. (See blog entitled “In a Pit or an Apostate, Pick your Poison,”) I have to admit that the use of the word in reference to me, did put a bit of a chill down my spine. Sometimes it’s hard to escape the ideas that were beaten into your psyche as a child. I’ve come a long way since then and I now proudly say that I am an apostate. I have left my Christian faith behind and I’ve never felt more emotionally healthy or happy. I have to admit that the use of the word pervert is a bit off putting. Why pervert? I was thinking though that maybe just for comedic relief we should stop calling ourselves de-converts and use pervert instead. Think of it: an old Christian friend approaches you and asks where you are going to church, you say, “no where.” When they ask the next predictable question, “why not?” You simply smile and say, “Why, because I’m now a pervert.” I’m thinking that wouldn’t go so well, but to see the look on the other person’s face might make it worthwhile. In fact, I’m sure that it would. I’m digressing now, and fantasizing a bit, but seriously seeing the word apostate associated with pervert, well, it’s just flat out hilarious, but maybe that’s just me—pervert that I am.

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I’m Baaaaack!

June 2, 2009 at 10:42 pm (Deconversion, Questioning Faith)

Good morning one and all, probably most likely just the one.  Anyway, I am now done with a grueling semester and a rough year all around, and am looking forward to writing.  As I look back on my blogs, I find myself thinking, “Wow! Things have really changed.”  When I read, “Better now, part 1,”I get tears in my eyes thinking about how I felt then. It’s almost as if it was a different person—a weak and frightened person.   I remember telling someone that I just wanted to get through all this and be on the other side and be able to say, “Now that was a wild ride!”  I believe that I can now say that. Of course, knowing me there will be many more wild rides ahead.  That’s just the way I roll. 

Although, I am planning on beginning a new blog, on a completely different subject, (which I believe is a good sign that I am moving on) my goal has always been to help those who are where I once was.  I’m all about paying if forward.  There were those who helped me and I want to do the same.  With that said, I will spend the next few weeks recounting what has happened in my life this past year.  For a quick recap:

  • Filed for divorce, which will be final in August 
  • Reconnected with a friend from my old fundie church and she was also in the process of deconverting.  An amazing story by the way.
  • Came out of the “deconversion closet,” completely.  Yes, that’s right—what a tale.
  • Have learned to be stronger than I ever thought I could be.
  • Was published!  In a real literary magazine and I don’t even fancy myself a poet. :-)

That’s it for now.  My first blog will be entitled, “Hello, my name is Barbara and I’m an Apostate,” but as any writer knows, that is subject to change.  Stay tuned!

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The Man I Loved

December 23, 2008 at 10:50 pm (Deconversion)

 

Savior, Father, friend

To be there for all time

All knowing and all seeing

He said vengeance would be mine

There each time I stumbled

There each time I fell

I believed the book that said

He’d send me straight to hell

Don’t think, don’t ask don’t ever

Step outside the box

I bear the sin of Eve I must

Submit at every cost

I thought he was the only way

To enter heaven’s gate

I didn’t see that all the lies

Were filling me with hate.

One day I turned and walked a way

From the lover I had known

Father, Son and Holy Ghost

And now I’m finally grown

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In Memory of Sue

December 12, 2008 at 10:38 pm (Life and death)

My sister in law, Sue, died of breast cancer two days ago.  I wrote a poem about it, but before I post it, I want to say something about her.  She was stronger and braver than any other woman I have personally known.  She loved her husband with a vengeance and  the rest of her family too.  She loved to take pictures and would include them in letters she would send to the people she cared about and I was one of the lucky recipients of those letters many times.  She had amazing red hair and a killer smile and was typically the last one off the dance floor. She loved to garden–to plant things and help them grow and even that she shared with others.  There are beautiful purple Crocus flowers that bloom in my yard every year because I had once told her that I wished I could grow saffron in my backyard because it was so expensive. I didn’t know saffron came from Crocus flowers…I do now. (Thanks Sue) When you talked with her, she would listen and she would remember the things that you said. She was a believer, not in any religion, but in life.  She lived it up until she simply couldn’t live it anymore and then went to sleep forever and I know that I speak for many people when I say that she will be greatly missed.   As I reflected on her life and death, and how I felt about it, this poem came to me:

One Last Embrace 

 

Grieving, I sleep and fall into a dream.

She is there in her garden.

Not sick and weak and dying but

Healthy and strong and living.

Her red hair golden in the sun–

Peaceful and happy.

She turns to me and asks,

“What do you need?”

I say, “I need to know why—why this, why now, why you?”

Smiling she says,  “There’s no answer.

It simply is what it is, but what do you need?”

“I need to know you are okay” I say,  “and not suffering—at rest.”

”Deep down, you know I am,” she answers and asks again,

“What is it that you really need?”

Suddenly, tears come and with them, the answer:

 

“I need one last conversation, one last laugh, one last embrace.”

 

Standing and putting her hands on my shoulders, she lovingly says,

“We’ve already had those. We just didn’t realize it at the time and it’s okay.”

Waking, I knew that it was, or at least it would be…in time

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Tatters

October 16, 2008 at 4:34 am (Deconversion)

Tatters

 

The sunrise greets the end to another sleepless night 

Closing my eyes, thoughts and memories spin in my head 

Like relentless tormentors, reminding me of the loss 

And all that is left of them are tatters 

Tatters of what once was:

 

Our room with the golden walls

The bed that we bought together

Your voice whispering good night 

The mirror where we brushed our teeth

And the notes we put there expressing our love

Trinity and the swimming hole and making love on the beach

The joy after being told we had a healthy baby girl

 

The way I trusted you completely

 

Saturday morning pancakes

And how the kids loved the way you made them

The old red leash for the dog

And our early morning walks

The hot tub where we drank and laughed deep into the night

Thanksgiving and Christmas filled with loving family and friends

Dinners in the Napa Valley and vacations on Kauai

 

 The way I felt you slipping away

 

The annual Christmas party and shopping with you for my dress

The black Betsy Johnson gown I wore

When I found out about the lie

The elegant marble floor where I knelt sick from the truth

Driving home in the pouring rain

The way the house looked as we pulled into the drive

The diamond ring I look off my finger

 

The way it felt to say good bye.

 

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Losing My Religion (now that’s original)

May 29, 2008 at 10:20 pm (Agnosticism, Atheism, Christianity, Deconversion, Questioning Faith)

Well, it’s been a while.  I’ve made it through finals and am taking a break for a few weeks before summer school starts.  I have been chomping at the bit, so to speak, to get back to writing for pleasure and not school; so here I am.   I’ve decided to begin with a bit of a synopsis of what has gone on in my life over the past year or so and then move on and start fresh with new stuff, still on the subject of religion, but I may branch out a bit too.  I have many more stories and experiences that I have not yet written about, but believe me; I will.

Socrates said, “An unexamined life is not worth living.”  I was sitting in my philosophy class the first time I read that quote and to this day, I remember exactly how it made me feel.  It was as if someone had thrown cold water in my face.  I couldn’t stop thinking about it.  In the back of my mind was this nagging thought, “Have I been living an unexamined life?”  Even as I asked myself that question, I knew the answer.   I had lived most of my life as a Fundamentalist Christian.  I was judgmental and intolerant.  I saw my world as black and white and people as saved or unsaved and lived my life accordingly.  It was easy.  There were rules to follow and I followed them, but after reading that quote, I made the decision to step ever so slightly back from my strongly held beliefs and examine them in a way I never had before.  It wasn’t as if that quote alone had opened my eyes, because I had already begun on a journey of discovery earlier that year.  That was part of the reason I had gone back to school and why I had taken that particular philosophy class.  Some have said I had a mid life crisis, but I would call it a mid life epiphany.  I had questions, lots of questions, but I had just been afraid to entertain them.  I believe the quote was just the match that lit the fuse, which would ignite all the questions I had been denying, and that needed answers.  Once I began to critically examine my religion, it became obvious that it was no less tenuous than any other. After much study and much questioning, many sleepless nights and prayerful days, I made the decision to leave the church and religion I had deeply believed in most of my life.  Once that decision was made, it was as if something was confirmed in me that I had always known deep down and I felt free.   Unfortunately, not everyone has shared my enthusiasm.  Evidently, most people are very happy to live an unexamined life and are quite uncomfortable if anyone decides to go against the flow.  I’ve been caught off guard a bit by some of the responses I have received from family, friends and church leaders, to my so called de-conversion.   Most of these responses have been quite negative and are evidenced here in some of my previous blogs.

All of these examples are really just a small sampling of what I have encountered over the past year or so.  I believe I could write a book, but I doubt many would want to read it.  Only those who have been Fundamentalist Christians and “left the fold,” can totally relate and understand.    Since leaving my religion, I have discovered an amazing world full of wonderful literature, art and people that I would have never let myself experience before.  I now hold myself responsible for the decisions that I make, whether good or bad, and I give myself credit for my accomplishments.  I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard Oz, when she walked out of her house into a dazzling, colorful new land.  I’m a much stronger person now.  I went from going grocery shopping out of town, avoiding phone calls and people I knew, to looking someone in the eye and telling him that I’m living the pagan life and loving it. To be honest, I don’t even consider myself a pagan really; it just seemed like the best response at the time.   I would have to say the past  two years have been the most painful and challenging years of my life, but they have also been the most joyful and exciting.  I’ve lost most of my old friends, but I’ve also made new ones and have found out who my true friends really are and they are priceless to me.  Is the unexamined life worth living?  I now believe a life unexamined isn’t living at all.  It seems to me, the better question would be, is the examined life worth living?  To that, I would answer, absolutely. 

 

 

 

 

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Antilogy

March 3, 2008 at 9:53 pm (Deconversion)

Blackened coal

A sinner’s soul

Bought with a price

Bloody sacrifice

Hindered hearts

Religions darts

Fulfilled desire

Eternal fire

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Remember Mohini

February 17, 2008 at 7:34 am (Deconversion)

I just started reading a book entitled, Radical Acceptance, Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha;  am I thinking of becoming a Buddhist?  No, but since I am no longer bound by Christian fundamentalism, I’m like a kid in a candy store, when it comes to reading about different religions.  This particular book is very insightful and I’m really enjoying it.

 

Today, as I was reading, the Author was talking about how we don’t live our lives as freely as we could.  As an analogy, she sighted the example of a white tiger named Mohini, who had lived in the Washington, D.C. National Zoo for many years.  Most of Mohini’s life was spent in a twelve-by-twelve foot cage, with iron bars and a cement floor.  She spent her days pacing restlessly back and forth in her cramped quarters.  Eventually a natural habitat was built for her that consisted of several acres of land with vegetation, hills, trees and a pond.  With great excitement and anticipation, they released her into her new home. Sadly, the tiger immediately sought refuge in a corner of the compound where she lived the rest of her life.   She paced and paced in that corner until an area twelve by twelve feet was worn bare of grass.   The author, Tara Brach, went on to say, “Perhaps the biggest tragedy in our lives is that freedom is possible, yet we can pass our years trapped in the same old patterns.”

 I have to admit that really struck a chord with me.  I thought of how I had been just like that tiger, stuck in the same old patterns, blind to the wonders around me, judging others and myself from that twelve-by twelve foot world, only I was never really bound by those parameters, I just believed everyone when they told me that I was and that it was the best place for me to be.  When I discovered the lie and saw the great world around me, that I was free to explore and enjoy, I began, ever so slowly to step out and do just that.    It’s become easier and easier and I listen less and less to the fundamentalists that try to tell me to go back to my safe little corner.  Whenever I get overwhelmed by the voices of my past life that are so steeped in the dogma of religion, I will remember Mohini and remind myself what it is to live free and how I never want to find myself pacing a twelve by twelve foot pattern in one small corner of this great big awesome world ever again.  I feel sadness and compassion for those that are still trapped.  I hope that maybe I can say something that may light the fire of free thinking under them and when the time is right they too can live and breath free.  I can only hope.

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And So I Wait….

January 25, 2008 at 12:59 am (Agnosticism, Deconversion, Questioning Faith)

One of the things that I was concerned about when I made the decision to leave the Christian religion was how it would affect my children.  I wasn’t sure what their reaction would be.  Would they be devastated, thinking I was now going to hell?  Would they try to “save” me?  Would it confuse them or hurt them in some way?  I would rather die than hurt my kids, but the reality of it is, by teaching them to be closed minded and intolerant to other beliefs and lifestyles except our own had hurt them.  I wasn’t sure how I should handle the whole thing.

I certainly didn’t want to sit them down one day and say, “all right now, I want you to know that I’m not a Christian any longer and you shouldn’t be either.  Everything I taught you before was a lie.”  If I did that, I would be falling into the same error as before; telling them what to think, not showing then how to think.    

As my de-conversion unfolded, the reaction of my children completely caught me off guard.  I never did sit them down and make some sort of an announcement.  They saw me not going to church, they heard conversations and when they asked questions, I would answer them honestly.  Because they had been so indoctrinated, I was sure their reactions would be completely different than they were.  Maybe my brainwashing skills aren’t what I thought they were.  Today I want to focus on just one incident, which has been the most recent one.  My youngest daughter has been having her own struggles with church and Christian friends and just what she had observed in them.  She had asked me some questions about atheism and agnosticism and I had directed her to some web sites and left her to her own research.  The other day, she came to me and asked me to read her most recent blog on Myspace and so I did.  I have posted it here just as she had written it.  Here it is:

Since I know a lot of my friends on this here Myspace
I have decided to inform you all mostly my Christian friends thatI am officially Agnostic.

If you think this means i’m atheist hahaha NO!

I’m Agnostic which isn’t a religion it’s a belief.  

I believe that we don’t know if there is a God and no one knows.

I think the Bible is a source of History, not what I look to for all my answers


I don’t believe Jesus Christ died for my sins. I don’t believe homosexuality is wrong.
I believe no one knows if God created the World slash Universe.

I believe evolution is a good educated theory.  

I don’t hate Christians


I see nothing wrong with Christianity I just don’t believe it. Sorry if you think I’m going to hell. If you have something to say to me, I am ready and willing to talk about it

It appears that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, but I have to admit the girl has more guts than her mother.  After reading her blog, I made the decision to mail a letter I had written to a believing friend; explaining my distance and telling her that I am no longer a Christian.  If my 16 year old can be open and honest, shouldn’t I be able to do the same?  It is just one letter to one person, but she is a strategic person—believe me, the word will be out soon.  Those of you who have come out of Christian fundamentalism know just what that means.  So I wait……

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