Why So Angry?

angry atheist

“Why are atheists so angry?” It’s the age-old question that Christians like to ask. I’ve thought a lot about it and that question doesn’t make any sense to me. I’m an atheist and I’m not angry. I get angry sometimes, like when my cat throws up on my kitchen counter. Seriously, of all the places. There? Jesus! I wouldn’t say I’m excessively angry though.  I certainly don’t walk around in perpetual state of anger–not even close. I have to say the same for all the atheists I know and I know  a lot of them these days.

It seems to me that Christians take comfort in labeling us atheists angry. Maybe so they can say, “See what people are like when they don’t have god and Jesus?”

Anyway, I was reminded of this, when I saw that very question asked over and over again on a recent social media thread. I thought, why do they keep asking that question? How could they not see the answer that is right in front of their faces? “Read your comments,” I suggested. They didn’t seem to like that, what with it coming from one of those angry atheists and all.

You see, if they read the comments with an open heart and mind, the answer they would find would not really put them in a good light, you know, the WWJD kind of light. It would make them look, let’s see, how to I put this…not Christlike?

I could include all the pertinent comments in their entirety here, but instead I’m going to summarize them. That’s because there were so many–literally hundreds(And this is on just one thread). Some were very protracted and it would have taken too long to correct the spelling and grammatical errors. Seriously, I’m not trying to be mean or anything, just honest. I’m thinking they were just so very “passionate,” that they stopped worrying about being literate. I mean, who needs grammar when you’re spewing the sweet, sweet love of Jesus? Am I right?

So, Christians, why do we seem angry?

Maybe it’s because you said we:

  • Should go to Hell, or Islam, Syria, and/or Isis.
  • Are messed up in the head, alone, miserable, unhappy, possessed of        demons, children of Satan, cowardly, ridiculous, ungrateful, spoiled, liberal and raised by single parents (I’m surprised they did’t say wolves).
  • Should shut up, leave the country, or be deported to Iraq.
  • Should commit suicide, or die, and some said they would be more than willing to help us accomplish that.

The last quote I read, not that it was the last one there, but the last one I could stand reading, was this:

“Merry Christmas and may you go to hell and die.”

So, dear Christians, we atheists aren’t really angry people, you just catch us at our worst moments. It’s kind of like when you walk up and punch someone in the head and after they hit you back, you say, “Why are you so angry?”

Yeah, it’s like that.

One thing I’ve learned since I started calling myself an atheist, is that Christians can be as mean and hateful (righteous anger) as they want to, but we atheists just better keep our heathen mouths shut.

Jesus said it best when he spoke of atheists: “Snakes! You offspring of vipers! How will you escape being condemned to hell?” Oh, wait, he was talking to the religious leaders there…never mind.

 

 

 

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I’ll Take The Wheel, Thank You

jesustakethewheelThis morning, I was watching The Voice and one of the contestants chose “Jesus Take The Wheel” for her song. I was disappointed. I thought, “lame.” Then she started singing. She’s good and at first I thought I was just moved by her voice, but then as the lyrics unfolded, I began to cry. It freaked me out, because I thought “What the hell? What’s wrong with me? Jesus isn’t real.” Jesus isn’t real. The realization came to me, as it had so many times before and I was grieving. That’s all it was.  It’s kind of like when someone you love more than anything passes away. There will be something that just pops up that reminds you of them and then you grieve all over again. That’s how it was for me when she started singing.

This is something only an ex-Christian can understand. From the time I was 3 or 4, I really believed there was a man named Jesus that loved me no matter what and loved me so much that he suffered and died so that I could live. He heard my prayers and always did what was best for me. I loved him, and then he was gone. When I felt the tears start, part of me was pissed because I had been spoon-fed a lie. A lie that affected my whole life, to the point that when years later I hear a song, I grieve all over again. But, also, part of me was relieved, because my grief is okay—expected. It’s okay for me to grieve loss and that’s what that was.

I think at the beginning of my de-conversion, I didn’t allow myself tears because that could mean I still believe, or that I’m going to get sucked back in. Now though, I realize it’s just the affirmation that there was someone in my life (albeit a myth) that I loved and depended on, more than anyone else and now he is gone—dead and when something reminds me of him, I grieve. To be honest, I miss him.

What I think Christians don’t understand about many ex-Christians is that we wanted to believe that the Jesus/God of the Bible was real. We never wished him dead—quite the opposite, but desiring something to be true or real, doesn’t make it so. Does it?  The truth is, there was never anyone there to “take the wheel” for me when I felt out of control. It was always just me and although I may shed tears over the loss, I’ve never felt more whole.  I’ve never felt more in control.  So Jesus, I’ll keep my hands on the wheel.  I’m doing just fine, thank you.

It’s Time

It’s time to move on– move on from the anger, the heartache, the uncertainty and the loss that comes from rejecting one’s belief in a god.  There was a time when I hoped for the day when I would come clean about my rejection of Christianity–be open and honest.  It seemed like a crazy fantasy, but that fantasy finally became a reality.   There also was a time when I hoped for understanding and reconciliation with my Christian family and friends.  That remains in the fantasy category.   Oh well, you can’t have everything.   For a while now, though,  I have found myself hoping for the day when I could be chill about the whole god thing, where a someone could bring up religion, god, Jesus, Christianity and I would just be like, whatever.  I didn’t think that could ever happen, but oh so very slowly and bit by tiny bit, I believe that that has become a reality for me in many ways.

Sometimes I feel like I wasted a lot of time trying to gain understanding, trying to get Christians to understand how destructive and ridiculous their beliefs are.   Whether the time was wasted or not, I can’t get it back, but what’s  done is done and I have no regrets.  I did what I needed to do to get through it.  Now, even when I try to get angry at Christians I can’t.  Where I once would get pissed off, now I find myself kind of shaking my head and saying, “Oh you silly Christians.”  There are things that matter, things that deserve the energy it takes to get angry, the Christian religion is just not one of those things.  It feels very healthy to me.

Anyway, I wanted to share the following video.  The first time I heard this song, it got me.  I won’t give a lot of commentary on it.  Let it speak to you in the way you need it to, but the first line just nailed how I felt when I could no longer believe, but was still going to church I yearned to “go to the hills where the outlines are clear.”   I’ve made it to the hills, the outlines are quite clear and I can again see the stars.  I feel like I’ve caught up to myself now, or at least very close to it.

Bring on the wonder–bring it on.

Hello Blog

hello_again

Working is a motherfucker.  It had been so long since I had a real job, I forgot just how time consuming it can be.  It’s weird, after being a stay-at-home-mom for so many years, to be back out in the working world.  The excitement of going to work every day and meeting new people and getting a paycheck has not worn off yet.  Maybe it never will; who knows? Sadly though, it keeps me from writing and I do miss that.  I woke up this morning at 4, with words spinning in my head, so I grabbed my laptop and started in.  It felt good–familiar.  Next stop, my good old Blinder’s Off Blog.  Hello friend.

So here I am and I’m really going to try and post more.  There’s so much I want to write about, but Christianity, church, religion–well, they never stop providing fodder for me.

There’s been a lot in the news about Mark Driscoll, the pastor of some Mars Hill in Seattle.  I do believe I “prophesied” this in one of my posts, but he’s going down in a blaze of glory.  It’s been difficult, because it brings up a bunch of painful memories for me, as it does with so many others as well.  What happened to Mars Hill is so reminiscent of what happened at my old church, although on a much smaller scale.  The narcissism of the leader, the toady elders, the shaming and silencing of the church members, is practically identical and that is what is especially painful to me, even to this day.

I think that I need to write about it.  I know, I’ve said that before, but now with so much being said about all the silencing that takes place within the church and the damage it causes, I feel now may be the time.

I do also have some more songs I want to post, so hopefully I can do that soon as well.  For now, google Mars Hill and Mark Driscoll and his alleged demise, but if you have experienced this type of situation personally, I recommend a big glass of wine first… or vodka. Stay tuned.

Shoot me down, but I won’t Fall

I was trying to decide which song I wanted to post first and decided on this one.  I prefer the EDM version, but for this post, I think this video is better. It’s not really on the unrequited love theme, but definitely love lost—friend and family love.

Listening to this song made me think of all the friends I’d lost and how my mother and sister treated me.  In my early posts I wrote of  the suffering I went through from the loss. At times it was almost unbearable. I ran and hid. I was always on the offensive and always feeling like I had to be the one to mend those relationships, because I was the bad one—the one who no longer believed.

Of course, at some point I realized that it didn’t matter what I did, I was no longer a Christian and so I no longer had a place at the table—figuratively and literally.  They were done with me, but not before they did their “Christian duty.” I love the one line in the song: “Stone hard, machine gun, firing at the ones who run, stone-hard as bulletproof glass.”  They do fire at the ones who run, don’t they?  Thankfully, I kept running–in a zigzag pattern, of course, as to survive.

Most importantly the song continues to remind me of just how far I’ve come.  I’m stronger now—Titanium.  Those people can’t hurt me anymore.  They may pity me, but they are the ones who should be pitied.  They are the ones who now no longer have a place at my table and you know what?  It’s their loss.

I’m bullet proof, nothing to lose.

 

Unrequited Love

 

Heart-breakSince my last post, I’ve been thinking a lot about music and how it fits in to my journey out of Christianity.   Over the next few weeks, or months :), I think I want to spend a little time referencing certain songs and then adding my commentary.  As I have written before, I love music.  Music speaks to me and as with the song from my last post, more and more music is touching the hurt that is left in my mind and it is causing revelation and healing.

It’s interesting that the songs that have spoken to me most are love songs, or more specifically love-lost songs, or unrequited love songs.  That may sound strange to some, but those who loved “Jesus” or struggled to truly love “Jesus,” in the way that is expected in the Christian world, will understand.  There were times when I loved that imaginary man with all of my heart, but like any love affair, when it is so obviously one-sided in the most tangible of ways, it is a struggle to maintain it. Reality eventually settles in—reality or denial. Normally leaving would be the answer, but in Christianity, leaving means Hell—literally.

I recently came upon a journal entry I had written many years ago (February 2006 actually) and it reminded me of that struggle. Even though reading it is embarrassing and a bit demoralizing, I’m going to share it here, because I think it will help some understand why it is those types of love songs that bring me comfort. Here’s the journal entry:

           “The wind blows.  I hear it and feel it’s warmth on my face. I long for you…

            I long for you in a way that I’ve never felt before. 

            Every inch of me yearns for your touch,

            in such a way that it seems if this desire is unfulfilled, I will die.            

           Come to me.  Come to me. Make me wait no longer.

           How long must my body suffer from the agony of not having you?

          What can I do but wait?  I will wait…Come to me.”

Gross. Even copying it down is difficult.  It’s hard to even imagine I wrote that and meant it.  I do remember writing it. I remember the feeling of struggle. Right before that entry there were pages and pages of Scripture. I was truly in an altered state of consciousness.  I see that now and it makes my angry—angry and sad. I’m hopeful that my next few posts will hold meaning for some.  If not, it will at least be cathartic for me.

Happy Funday!

Say Something

If I could sing a song to the god I had believed in for so long, the god I loved and trusted in—my first real love—it would be the song I have attached below. As my anger toward Christians, and God and religion began to dissipate, I was looking forward to moving on, having all that stuff not matter any more.  I had no idea that my anger and angst would be replaced with incredible pain before it was all said and done.  It all came to the surface one day as I listened to this song for the first time.

All those nights I begged god to reveal himself to me, and all those prayers I prayed on my knees in the dark, and nothing.  Anger would be easier for me at this point, but that is not what I’m left with right now.  So be it.  I feel a little closer to being completely healed.  I kind of always knew that I would have to confront the sorrow at some point, and now I am.  So be it.  Enjoy the song.  I believe it will touch you as well.  (Sorry about the ad on the video.  It’s worth the wait though)

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