Going Dark

dark_on_social_mceoIt’s that time of year again—the holidays. It’s the time of year when loved ones, or not so loved ones, get together. It seems that many families, even ones that have major disagreements, or issues, still find a way to bury the hatchet, so to speak and enjoy one another’s company. You know how it is, the uncle that gets drunk and the police have to be called or the bipolar son who stands up and decides now is the time to let everyone know just how unsupported he feels. In the end though, everyone forgives and forgets and loves one another and when the next holiday rolls around, you are all back together. It’s not like that for all of us though.

For many who have left the faith,  what we have done is the one thing that simply can’t be forgiven.

I have not heard my sister’s voice in over five years and I think it’s been longer since I talked with my mother. Sometimes, like this time of year, I find myself wondering how they can be without me, because even with all their rejection and abusive behavior I endured before saying enough is enough, I find it so, so hard to be without them. I think that is why this is the time of year I go dark. I know that others do too.

The good news is, things get better. Like waves, I go down and then come back up and crest and for me, I don’t go down as far anymore. Once this time of year is over, I’ll be fine.

You know, it really is their loss (I know I’ve said that before) but it is. I was a good daughter and a good sister–a super fun and loyal friend, but they’ll never let themselves see that, because now I’m an atheist and how can an atheist be good, be moral, love anything really? They don’t trust me and in some ways I understand. I was one of them once.

So tonight and tomorrow, I will be with my beautiful kids, whom I love with a vengeance and they love me the same.  I have My Man, who is amazing and his awesome kids, who think I’m pretty cool, and we will all drink and laugh and the darkness will lift. I wonder if it ever will for my mother, my sister, my old friends.

I hope so, but I’ve stopped holding my breath.  I had to.



4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. ... Zoe ~
    Dec 25, 2015 @ 02:25:10

    I’m so glad you are with your children and your man. 🙂

    Barbara, I can only imagine they live in the dark with the absence of you in their lives. They won’t show it and probably keep a fairly good facade up but inside their hearts they most long for you, Christ or no Christ.


  2. Julie
    Dec 25, 2015 @ 22:51:57

    Thanks again for sharing, notabarbie. When I was ‘inside’ I can remember not wanting to spend time with the heathens. Even my family. But now when I think about it, shouldn’t your mother and sister be spending MORE time with you, to share and show Christ’s love with you? Isn’t it selfish to isolate themselves from you? Doesn’t sound like an example of Christ-like behavior to me. But it does sound very much like how human people act. What a terrible waste, I’m so sorry that you have to suffer the consequences of their closed minds. And I’m so glad that you now have wonderful people surrounding you. I hope you’re having a bright, happy time with them today! Looking forward to future blog entries!


    • notabarbie
      Dec 25, 2015 @ 23:10:40

      Thank you Julie! I agree. You would think that since the Holy Spirit dwells in them, their behavior would be different. Hmmmm… Funny how that is 🙂 I hope you had a wonderful day as well! Thank you for your great comment!


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