Unrequited Love

 

Heart-breakSince my last post, I’ve been thinking a lot about music and how it fits in to my journey out of Christianity.   Over the next few weeks, or months :), I think I want to spend a little time referencing certain songs and then adding my commentary.  As I have written before, I love music.  Music speaks to me and as with the song from my last post, more and more music is touching the hurt that is left in my mind and it is causing revelation and healing.

It’s interesting that the songs that have spoken to me most are love songs, or more specifically love-lost songs, or unrequited love songs.  That may sound strange to some, but those who loved “Jesus” or struggled to truly love “Jesus,” in the way that is expected in the Christian world, will understand.  There were times when I loved that imaginary man with all of my heart, but like any love affair, when it is so obviously one-sided in the most tangible of ways, it is a struggle to maintain it. Reality eventually settles in—reality or denial. Normally leaving would be the answer, but in Christianity, leaving means Hell—literally.

I recently came upon a journal entry I had written many years ago (February 2006 actually) and it reminded me of that struggle. Even though reading it is embarrassing and a bit demoralizing, I’m going to share it here, because I think it will help some understand why it is those types of love songs that bring me comfort. Here’s the journal entry:

           “The wind blows.  I hear it and feel it’s warmth on my face. I long for you…

            I long for you in a way that I’ve never felt before. 

            Every inch of me yearns for your touch,

            in such a way that it seems if this desire is unfulfilled, I will die.            

           Come to me.  Come to me. Make me wait no longer.

           How long must my body suffer from the agony of not having you?

          What can I do but wait?  I will wait…Come to me.”

Gross. Even copying it down is difficult.  It’s hard to even imagine I wrote that and meant it.  I do remember writing it. I remember the feeling of struggle. Right before that entry there were pages and pages of Scripture. I was truly in an altered state of consciousness.  I see that now and it makes my angry—angry and sad. I’m hopeful that my next few posts will hold meaning for some.  If not, it will at least be cathartic for me.

Happy Funday!

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Ruth
    Mar 31, 2014 @ 02:07:15

    I used to have a journal where I kept all my inmost thoughts and prayers. Recently I wanted to reference it and looked all over for it to no avail. I’ve moved twice since then so I’m sure it’s packed up somewhere around here. Reading what you wrote there I’m almost glad I didn’t find it. Maybe I’m better off not re-opening those wounds. *hugs*

    Reply

    • notabarbie
      Mar 31, 2014 @ 02:32:25

      Lol,seriously, you are better off. At least in some ways. I’ve reread several of my journals and literally had them over the trash can to toss out and then changed my mind. I guess I don’t ever want to forget how it felt, maybe so I continue to understand those who are still entrenched in religion, because it gets harder and harder to do that. It also is a really good illustration of just how brain washed I was. It is tough though. I hope my boyfriend never gets his hands on them hahaha! Thanks for the comment and, most importantly the hugs. *Hugs* back to you!

      Reply

  2. juliesamazed
    Mar 31, 2014 @ 02:47:35

    Barb – I don’t have your email address – I just replied to the wordpress.com notification of your comment. If you get this, reply so that I know you got it. Maybe you can give me your direct email and that would be better . . . So glad to hear from you again! Julie Date: Sun, 30 Mar 2014 18:01:24 +0000To: julief8486@hotmail.comFrom: comment-reply@wordpress.comSubject: [New post] Unrequited Love

    WordPress.com

    notabarbie posted: ”

    Since my last post, I’ve been thinking a lot about music and how it fits in to my journey out of Christianity. Over the next few weeks, or months :), I think I want to spend a little time referencing certain songs and then adding my commentary”

    Reply

  3. ... Zoe ~
    Mar 31, 2014 @ 07:37:10

    Well all I can say is, I shredded all my journals. I was a prolific writer, for so many years. Copious amounts of writing, journals, pages and pages in binders of poems, long agonizing cries to the Lord, layers upon layers of sadness and ache. Bits of paper with scribbles here, there and everywhere . . . all gone. My goodness. So much of me or at least the me that was.

    Although you see it as gross, just look at how profound was your desire. Been there. And people think we were never Christian. *sigh*

    Reply

  4. christianagnostic
    Mar 31, 2014 @ 12:51:41

    Luckily, I was never much of a prayer diary guy. Lord knows I tried…someone would always swear by it and teach it’s benefits. I could never keep it up.

    I did come across some poetry I wrote from about ten years ago and I had a similar discomfort. So weird that I used to put so much emotion into an invisible being.

    I am sorry that you feel angry and sad, I guess it’s just like any sort of loss (even an imagined one)…you grieve.

    Reply

    • notabarbie
      Mar 31, 2014 @ 21:56:22

      Thank you for the comment. Thankfully the anger and sadness is more and more fleeting. It is so strange to think that I waste those emotions on something that is imaginary. It kind of illustrates the depth of the illusion. We were duped, but the dupers were depees as well. There’s nowhere to even level the anger when it comes. Maybe that’s just as well. Thanks for reading 🙂

      Reply

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