Since my last post, I’ve been thinking a lot about music and how it fits in to my journey out of Christianity. Over the next few weeks, or months :), I think I want to spend a little time referencing certain songs and then adding my commentary. As I have written before, I love music. Music speaks to me and as with the song from my last post, more and more music is touching the hurt that is left in my mind and it is causing revelation and healing.
It’s interesting that the songs that have spoken to me most are love songs, or more specifically love-lost songs, or unrequited love songs. That may sound strange to some, but those who loved “Jesus” or struggled to truly love “Jesus,” in the way that is expected in the Christian world, will understand. There were times when I loved that imaginary man with all of my heart, but like any love affair, when it is so obviously one-sided in the most tangible of ways, it is a struggle to maintain it. Reality eventually settles in—reality or denial. Normally leaving would be the answer, but in Christianity, leaving means Hell—literally.
I recently came upon a journal entry I had written many years ago (February 2006 actually) and it reminded me of that struggle. Even though reading it is embarrassing and a bit demoralizing, I’m going to share it here, because I think it will help some understand why it is those types of love songs that bring me comfort. Here’s the journal entry:
“The wind blows. I hear it and feel it’s warmth on my face. I long for you…
I long for you in a way that I’ve never felt before.
Every inch of me yearns for your touch,
in such a way that it seems if this desire is unfulfilled, I will die.
Come to me. Come to me. Make me wait no longer.
How long must my body suffer from the agony of not having you?
What can I do but wait? I will wait…Come to me.”
Gross. Even copying it down is difficult. It’s hard to even imagine I wrote that and meant it. I do remember writing it. I remember the feeling of struggle. Right before that entry there were pages and pages of Scripture. I was truly in an altered state of consciousness. I see that now and it makes my angry—angry and sad. I’m hopeful that my next few posts will hold meaning for some. If not, it will at least be cathartic for me.