Say Something

If I could sing a song to the god I had believed in for so long, the god I loved and trusted in—my first real love—it would be the song I have attached below. As my anger toward Christians, and God and religion began to dissipate, I was looking forward to moving on, having all that stuff not matter any more.  I had no idea that my anger and angst would be replaced with incredible pain before it was all said and done.  It all came to the surface one day as I listened to this song for the first time.

All those nights I begged god to reveal himself to me, and all those prayers I prayed on my knees in the dark, and nothing.  Anger would be easier for me at this point, but that is not what I’m left with right now.  So be it.  I feel a little closer to being completely healed.  I kind of always knew that I would have to confront the sorrow at some point, and now I am.  So be it.  Enjoy the song.  I believe it will touch you as well.  (Sorry about the ad on the video.  It’s worth the wait though)


18 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. myatheistlife
    Jan 27, 2014 @ 10:43:21

    It is difficult to pick ones self up and say ‘well, that sucked’ and simply move on because we want to know the reason, who’s fault is it…. life is seldom that way no matter how often we want it to be that simple. My anger at religion and whatever god is diminished when I finally realized that the people who mislead me were not trying to prank me, they actually believe it. From their perspective they were trying to be true to their beliefs which were given to them by their parents and repeat that back to the first century and beyond. The unintended consequences of good intentions…. sigh


  2. ... Zoe ~
    Jan 29, 2014 @ 04:33:38

    Breathe. Found myself holding my breath. The little girl, crawling under her bed . . . heart pounding, then she joins her dog. I had one just. like. hers.

    I had never heard this song. Just feel like crying, for me, for you, for other who know. Thank you for sharing. Sending love and gentle hugs.


    • notabarbie
      Jan 29, 2014 @ 04:53:26

      Thank you Zoe. It was the same for me. I still cry over that song, and not just for my self, for my own experience, but for all those, you included that continue to suffer. I really do think this is a temporary place for me, and you–just another step in the process. Fingers crossed. Love and hugs right back to you, my loving friend.


  3. ... Zoe ~
    Jan 31, 2014 @ 00:01:33

    I think now more than ever I realize it is a process and in many ways there are many “temporary” places . . . and it is okay. ❤


    • notabarbie
      Jan 31, 2014 @ 00:15:09

      Process is a good way to put it. It is a process. Our journeys out of Christianity are filled with stops, obstacle courses, resting places, and sometimes treacherous encounters. Thank you for reminding us that all of those places are temporary. They always will be as long as we keep moving forward. Sometimes it’s easier said than done, but necessary just the same. Thank you my ever-persevering friend. 🙂


  4. juliesamazed
    Feb 04, 2014 @ 03:12:57

    I guess you could say that I had one of those ‘treacherous encounters’ this past weekend. I attended the memorial service for a wonderful 87-year old lady who I knew from the church that I attended for my 20+ years as a bible-thumper. I whole-heartedly dreaded the event. Even though for the most part, the people at the church have never been mean-spirited or judgemental to me since I’ve left, I did not relish the idea of stepping back into that building, and onto their ‘holy’ ground. But I bit the bullet and did it, for Mary. And like any good evangelical gathering, it begins with the singing – Oh, the praising and raising of hands! I don’t think I ever felt more out of place in my life. I was filled with a mix of pity, anger, and antipathy. I’m still constantly amazed that so many otherwise intelligent-seeming people can persist in their adoration of an invisible and silent being. What a waste of precious time, and REAL life experiences!


    • notabarbie
      Feb 04, 2014 @ 05:06:57

      Thanks for reading and sharing! I’ve often wondered what it would be like to walk back into a church again. It’s been six years for me. To be honest, I don’t think I could do it. You are a braver woman than me Julie and I’m not being dramatic. I truly believe that it takes an immense amount of bravery to step back into a church after breaking free from it. I was faced with the same choice a couple of years ago when a friend from church passed away. She was also the mother of my daughter’s best friend and I just could not go. My daughter went and after hearing how it was, I was glad I bowed out.
      Hearing your story, also makes me glad I did. I think I might have some of the same feelings as you, but in reality, I think I might have just had a panic attack and fled. Are you glad you went? If you could go back and make the same choice, would you do it again?


  5. juliesamazed
    Feb 05, 2014 @ 22:36:38

    I was pretty close to panic-attack status when I texted you, in the middle of the worship bullsh*t. That part, and then the part when at the end of the service when the pastor had to, of course, offer the chance to commit to Jesus . . . and he did say, “Whether it’s your first time, or if you want to come back (which I’m sure was directed towards moi). Thanks, but no thanks! I guess I would do it again, but only for a select few people. Otherwise, it was actually nice to see so many old friends, who I once considered family. I’m so glad that I was able to contact you for a little affirmation – thank you so much. I look forward to reading your blog and the comments, truly!


  6. Alice
    Feb 15, 2014 @ 01:48:03

    It would be nice to say, “well that sucked and simply move on….”

    It sure would. I went through denial, then sorrow, then anger, and now it’s just a mix of sorrow and anger depending on the day (with a sprinkle of hope).

    I have music on my phone that I used to think of as “worship music” -which it wasn’t technically- but it was deep and meaningful to me. Everytime a song like that
    comes up, I skip it, knowing that once I delete that album off the phone, I will probably never listen to it again. I hurts too much.

    Found you through Zoe- I will check out the rest of your site later


    • notabarbie
      Feb 23, 2014 @ 04:48:18

      I know what you mean Alice. I finally removed a lot of those types of songs, but there still are a couple I have kept. I too skip them, but mostly because I feel embarrassed that I once took comfort in them, because they are based on a lie. I think we all have the sorrow days and the anger days. It does get better though–slowly but surely. It also helps to avoid people and situations that make it worse and those are different for everyone. Thank you so much for reading and sharing. It really does mean a lot. 🙂


    • ... Zoe ~
      Feb 24, 2014 @ 19:08:48

      You found her. 🙂

      It takes time and I think for some of us a lifetime, maybe because of our makeup, our personalities and years of brain plasticity that developed around “belief.” Rewiring is not easy. I spent years in therapy and one of the things I realized is, I wanted all the pain to go away yesterday. I didn’t want anymore pain or any more layers of healing. I wanted recovery now thank you very much. When the things I wanted didn’t fall into line I’d beat myself up feeling even more like a loser which I didn’t need. Being an “Eve” and all for years was enough. It was time to be a Zoe and find life in a new way embracing compassion for myself. Compassion for one’s self . . . how selfish of me! 🙄 Sarcasm implied.

      Healing takes time. Like an onion there are many layers. I got so tired of all the layers but eventually I came to a place of acceptance. Accepting that I should feel the way I do considering all that I went through and with that I began to embrace the truth of me, my experiences and the harm my belief caused me. At the same time, a paradox for sure, I realized that it also saved me at one time. I just didn’t know that for me, as I matured and really paid attention that my salvation was killing me.


      • notabarbie
        Feb 24, 2014 @ 20:59:35

        “I just didn’t know that for me, as I matured and really paid attention that my salvation was killing me.” …Beautifully put and true for me as well. You joked about how it was selfish to have self-compassion and, of course, we both know that as a Christian having self-compassion is kind of satanic, as is being proud of ourselves, or god-forbid, thinking we have the ability to make decisions all on our own–without a “god” to guide us. No wonder we are crazy now :-). Thank you for your wonderful comments.

  7. Boomslang
    Feb 15, 2014 @ 05:06:18

    Great tune. There comes a time when giving up is the right and only sane thing to do. One poster had it right when they pointed out how the people who passed on the meme aren’t lying to us; they actually believe what they’re passing on is true. When viewed like that, sure, it’s hard to be angry at them because they didn’t know any better. However, with the advent of the World Wide Web and the advancement of science, etc., I feel that they could know better if they chose to know better, and it’s precisely when they choose to not know better that I find it difficult to not be angry, or at least, extremely disappointed. But alas, the meme is doing what it was designed to do.


    • notabarbie
      Feb 23, 2014 @ 04:44:19

      “However, with the advent of the World Wide Web and the advancement of science, etc., I feel that they could know better if they chose to know better, and it’s precisely when they choose to not know better that I find it difficult to not be angry, or at least, extremely disappointed.” Wow, Boomslang. So true. Now days, one really has to choose NOT to know and to keep their head in the sand. To be candid, I don’t want to give up on certain people, but you are correct, there does come a time when it is the sane thing to do, or at least the thing that keeps me sane. Good to hear from you. Thanks for reading and commenting.


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