Okay, writer’s block is a bitch and I knew it would happen quickly. It’s psychological I know, but it can be so unshakable. I have made a commitment though, and I will persevere. It’s all about letting go of perfectionism; this is good thing…right?
Reading over my blog, starting back in 2006(I can’t believe it’s been that long), I see progress in some ways. I remember thinking I would never “come out” as a non-believer, but I have. I remember being so afraid; I’m not afraid anymore. When I put myself back there, the feelings flood back, mostly painful feelings, but I think it’s good to remember. I used to want to be anonymous, and now I don’t. It used to be that if I saw a former friend from church, I would go the other way, now it’s the other way around. I’m confident and secure about my beliefs or lack thereof and I think that makes them nervous. I’m happy and healthy and it’s interesting how they don’t want to hear about it, or believe it. I suppose that makes sense.
I was at parent conferences and an old church friend approached me and started talking with me, while other women, less brave tried to pretend they weren’t watching us. She asked how I was and I told her. We were having a nice chat and I mentioned how brave she was to be talking with me, a heathen, with her friends around. She responded by saying “Well, I don’t care what they think. I just want you to know that there is a God and He does love you and I am praying for you.”
I said, “Well, no, there isn’t, but thank you. I didn’t get mad or freak out. Progress? Perhaps. Anyway, she smiled and I thought the conversation was light hearted really. It simply didn’t matter to me that she said that “spoken truth” to me. I was glad she had a chance to see that I am happy in my life.
I can’t tell you how pissed off I was at first when she ran into my ex and told him that she had talked to me and I “tried desperately to convince her that I was happy,” as she looked at him knowingly. Really? Of all the people to say that to! Geez…us, I did not see that coming. She seemed so genuine and happy for me. Now I realize that she could not let herself believe that. I get it now. If she believed I was happy without god and without a husband, and living free, she would have to rethink her belief system, her view of the need for God and a husband. Instead she disregarded everything I said to her and then passed her view of me on to others. I hate to admit it, but I get that too. It was about her, not me. I wanted to stay mad at her. I really, really did. I just couldn’t.