That is the caption at the top of the page in one of my journals–Leting go. It’s dated November 18, 2006–almost 3 years ago. I’ve posted excerpts here before from another journal. It was the one I wrote in when I was still very much a Christian, but the one I’m referring to today, starts out with, “These are the rantings of a crazy person…some real, some fantasy – don’t take them too seriously” written on the first page. Then, at the bottom of the page, it says this, “Have you read Barbara’s book of rantings? Why, I don’t even think she is a Christian. How can she be?” So, you get the idea of where I was during that time –pretty much a mess. In this journal, I am clinging desperately to the concept of god and even the hope in Christianity, but quickly there is a change that takes place. Reading the first few pages was extremely painful, because they are the writings of an incredibly tormented woman. It’s hard to believe that that woman was me, but she was. Anyway, after much obvious struggle, a few pages in, I wrote “Letting Go.” I’m going to write it exactly as it was posted in my journal that day. Here it is:
The wind blows across my face, gently, like a lover caressing my cheek.
Where are you? You aren’t here. Were you ever?
Did I send you away like an imaginary friend that has been outgrown?
I’m not sure, but you are gone or the reality that you never existed has finally been realized.
I will miss you, but am at peace, finally at peace with the knowledge that I don’t know everything–no one does.
Looking back now, I believe that November 18, 2006 was a huge turning point in my life. I left behind the dogmatic belief in something ridiculous and destructive and began to move on to a new life. A live full of adventure, excitement, joy and freedom. I have said so many times that I am so much better off mentally and emotionally since leaving Christianity, but after reading my journal from that time, I realize just how much better I truly am now. For those who are struggling on your journey, perhaps even just beginning it, believe me when I say, it does get better, be true to yourself. You will get stronger and you will look back in time and say, it was worth the fight.